BlackwaterDnD

Em:
Welcome to BlackwaterDnD, where good friends tell better stories. This series, Balance, is a miniseries using the Powered by the Apocalypse system, Godkiller, which was created by Connie Chang, now available on Itch.io for purchase, and is proudly sponsored by Hero Forge and Moonbeam. This tale takes us back, long before the end of the universe, to a time when we begin to explore & understand old divine wounds that run so very deep, and what happens when love is caught in the middle. This story encouraged us as creators to strive for genuine emotion and connection, relish the space we create at the table, and take big swings with the way we approached our narrative. For this story, your GOD, everyone else, and the thrum of the Cradle, is myself, Em Carlson, and my GODKILLERs are played by Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. As this game falls within a holypunk and dark fantasy genre, it may contain themes and depictions that are triggering for some listeners. Please take care of yourself and access safe support as you see fit.

Content warnings for this episode include: grief & loss // mourning // romance // allusions to sex // discussion of murder // manipulation // substance use //

So sit back and relax, heretics. And welcome to Godkiller: Balance.

Epilogue: Beginning

Em:
The Balance in the Cradle is aligned once more, though for how long we do not know. Each change sparking hope from the dire world that came before. And while there will come a time where divinity will once again roar, we can take our space here, and allow things to grow. The Balance in the Cradle is aligned once more. So we leave our two, one seeking to repair and restore, and the other, leaving vengeance behind to embrace the River's flow. Each change sparking hope from the dire world that came before. Machinations of the end swirl around, uneasing this universe to its core. Gods will put themselves against each other, not telling friend from foe, yet the Balance of the Cradle is aligned once more. With oblivion lying, ever awaiting its time beneath a deep chasm floor, a twin-souled priest will rise with a gift to bestow, each change sparking hope from the dire world that came before. But for now, we can pause. A breath returned, given back, not taken for. A time with each other, given out of love rather than something to owe. The Balance in the Cradle is aligned once more, each change sparking hope from the dire world that came before.

Rhys. Ages beyond ages stand before you here in the River. You have spent this entire journey with Ever wishing you had more time, and now you have it. Perhaps not in the way you wished. Perhaps not in the way you thought. But it is time, nonetheless. You begin to learn the ways of the new realm you inhabit. How it ebbs and flows as a River should. How it lives and breathes, in its own way. But as with all new things, comes change. How do you change here? Your countenance? The way you look? What is different now, as you adjust to a world beyond what mortals can touch?

Jannes:
I think in the first couple of days, after Rhys finds himself in the River, he… It's as if he has awakened that young boy again, from a nightmare. There are large parts of himself that were underdeveloped because of the path that he was set on. There's a lot of childlike wonder at the place he finds himself, and the possibility that he could be happy there. Not that that erases what he experienced, but as, almost as if he gets to rebuild the foundation of who he is underneath the house that stands on top of it. As far as physical changes, I think he… He decides that he no longer wants to wear black.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
He wants a life that is… Filled with colour, a life that is… Bright, and joyful. And I think in the beginning, he has no idea how to do that, so he wears jarringly bright clothing that clashes with one another. And, rather than feel any sense of embarrassment when it is noticed, not that I think anyone here would scoff at it, but rather than feel embarrassment when it is noticed, he finds joy in the fact that people notice that he is expressing that volume of attire.

Em:
Mhmm.

Jannes:
And as the time goes on, I think he settles into, a sort of colour palette that is primarily greens, and leathers, and moss, and stone. As he- I think he, for the first time he really discovers what his favorite colour is. There's always a part of him, every morning that he wakes up, when he opens that small closet in his room, and he gets dressed and he regards himself in the mirror, that he wonders what Ever would think. Whether she would like it. Whether she would be proud of him.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
For… Taking this opportunity, and giving it his all. And trying not to be sucked down into the depths of the grief that he feels at her loss. I think that's for him the hardest part about being here, is that he's grieving for someone who didn't die.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
For someone who got to live. And grieving for a selfish desire to have her here beside him, even though that would have meant her dying, as well. I think he wears his hair down. Cascading around his shoulders. It's curly here, in the humidity. and his hands grow calloused, as he finds joy in… Physical work. I think he sees a lot of Avisan in him.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
And starts to understand the purpose that he found in that, more manual labour, that he didn't see when he was younger.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
The act of building, the act of contributing. To make things for others, to make things for… The community. And I think he's happy. And… I don't think he's at a point yet where… He's quite ready to look too closely at whether or not that happiness is real, or whether he's faking it until he believes it himself.

Em:
Hmm. Your father was the first to greet you here, on the banks as we saw, waiting for you as you arrived. You spend your time together, catching up, reforging that bond between the two of you, over simple tasks. Fixing, mending, building, creating. Are there other ways that you fill your time? What becomes important to you when an endless eternity is set out before you?

Jannes:
I think in the beginning he occupies himself with a lot of easily completable tasks. Things that... Projects he can start, that have a finish, that he can then move to the next. I think in his mind he's still operating as a normal person would, where there's an end in sight. Even though he knows that's no longer the case, his whole life he has been one task to another. And I think it takes him quite a few months before… He gets to a point where he realizes, I don't need to make these tasks completable in short periods of time.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
I can start grand projects that take hundreds of years, if I want. And I think he then begins to acquire skills. I think he finds a joy in learning, and he starts off learning to build, and then he learns about cultivating plants, and then he learns to, to sail, and… I think it's when he starts going out on the water that he… He finds something that really makes him happy.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
The feeling of being on a boat and the wind tearing through his hair and the salt spray on his skin. At this point it's been almost a year since he's been here.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
And this is the closest he's come to feeling like flying. Which was the only thing he really enjoyed about his past life. And I think he spends quite a few months working a fishing boat. Enjoying his time out there, with other people, the pointless conversations, the joking, the… The camaraderie of time spent together, multiple days at sea. And then one morning he wakes up. He goes out and he finds a forest, just outside of the small village that he finds himself. And he picks a spot, not too far into the forest, but just far enough so you can't quite feel the press of the other people. And he starts to build.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
He starts to clear away an area. And he remembers what the small house looked like, of the window that he peeked through. And more than anything, he remembers… The warmth that was in that house, the love. And he spends days finding the perfect rocks for the foundation. Finding the most beautiful pieces of wood. Slowly he builds a small little… House.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
Something for himself. Something… That would be perfect for when the time comes.

Em:
Your father visits often, and helps. He takes pride in seeing you grow. Helping shape you, into the wonderful young man that he always knew you'd be. The dead create space for themselves. And while we would see this as their souls floating down the River, they must be afforded their space and time to rest. Allowed to create. Allowed to pursue, and have the things that they never could in life. And of course, there is the matter of your divinity. You are a godling, the son of a god, or at the very least, the child of an avatar of the vast power of revenge, betrayal, and retribution. Do you choose to shed that? Do you leave that divinity, or any aspects of it, behind?

Jannes:
I don't think it occurs to him in the beginning that that is even something that is still there. It's been part of him his whole life, and it would be akin to trying to feel an internal organ, if there was no pain there. But I think that as time goes on, that divinity being present in him, it colours his personality in a way that, no matter how happy he is, or how joyful he finds his new surroundings, he can be quick to anger.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
Quick to feeling slighted. And I think there comes a point where he realizes that that part of him, the shrapnel that is Rake, that is still embedded in him, needs to be removed, and he needs to let it go. And I think one evening, as the sun is setting, he finds himself in a place that you can find him most nights. A small blanket, resembling a shawl, spread across the sand a few feet from where the waves lap. He takes an empty wine bottle from the dinner that he's just finished with Avisan. Avisan’s retired for the night, but Rhys has stayed behind, listening to the waves. Remembering a similar time. The thought of that time, the thought of her, helps them to feel those pieces. Those were never pieces of the person that she loved.

Em:
They don't fit anymore.

Jannes:
He takes that wine bottle and he thinks about her. And he thinks about his mother. And I think for the first time, and possibly the only time, up until that point, he cries. And as he cries, he places the bottle beneath his chin, catching those tears. He takes the discarded cork, pressing it into the bottle, holding the bottle close to his chest. I think the moment right before he throws it, he's scared. Scared of what it would mean for him to be mortal. Scared to let go of the only thing his mother ever thought to actually give him.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
And then he throws it, into the ocean. He folds the blanket. He makes his way back to the small, at this point, half finished, little house in the woods. And I think that's the night that he plants the first foxglove in the front yard.

Em:
The about divinity, yours particularly, is that it's not just something you acquired. It's in your bones. It's in your blood. And you are able to condense and extract that which no longer served you. There will always be a piece of divinity that is yours, what you have created for yourself. There is a small piece of divinity in everyone, and being the child of a god is like an amplifier for that. You find that what is left of your divinity… Your divinity, manifest itself some time later, into some smaller, lesser magicks. Hedge magic, if you will. What does it look like? What can you do?

Jannes:
I think it's mid-afternoon, and they're at the house, and Avisan is with him, and there are a couple other people who've come from the village. It's… It's time to finish the house. And they need people to help lift the beams that will support the roof. And there is a moment where the large wooden beam that Rhys has spent weeks planing and carving, this beautiful piece of wood, where the underside is carved with vines and flowers. And they're trying to figure out how they're going to lift it, to place it in place. And Rhys, almost as though he's having a vision, a moment where he steps out of himself. And as he drifts back from himself, and views everything from above, he can see how it all fits together. He can see exactly how they need to set up the ropes and the pulleys. It's as if his brain can triangulate all of the trigonometry that is required to accomplish this feat, based on instinct. But then he sees that this new talent doesn't extend to just the physical. He can see how the people fit with each other. He can see how they make each other better. He can see how they grate against one another. And he realizes that his knack for manipulation that he exploited for so long, might actually have been something else. Something else, not just a charismatic personality, but an ability. To see people, to understand people. And I think after that, he finds small ways to use this for the benefit of others. See when a fellow fisherman's partner is no longer happy with him, so he hands him flowers at the end of a long day to take home to her. He can stop arguments, seemingly before they happen. He becomes someone who is seen as a mediator in the village. Someone people come to, to solve problems, in a completely different way than he ever solved them before. And as time goes on, I think he starts to see how he fits into all these people's lives, and that feeling of being needed, being valued by the community, it's the beginning of him not feeling so alone.

Em:
We've talked a lot while telling this story about what makes us human. What shapes and creates and underlies our humanity. And I think you come to discover, that the divinity that has always run in you, is something to be cherished. Celebrated. Allows you to feel like you belong. Something you could have never felt, truly, if you'd have held on to all of it. And I think there comes a day, not long after the house is finished, once you've truly settled in, made it your own. I couldn't say how long it was for you, time is different here. This entropic hum that plays between the wisps of the River and the Weave itself. What is a day in the material could be an era here. It’s hard to say. The dead don't really need to keep track. You're inside. It’s evening, just after sunset, and you hear a knock at your door. And you hear soft footsteps come up the porch, with a jingle of jewelry that you would know anywhere.

Jannes:
Rhys runs to the door. He knows who this is. He flings the door open, his face split into a huge smile. There are small beginnings of crows feet at the corners of his eyes, and I think the thing she would see is, even though he hasn't aged, his face bears the lines and creases of someone who smiles often.

Em:
The smile would instantly be met with one in kind.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“You've created something quite beautiful for yourself.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Thank you. I, um- come in, come in. I've just gotten dinner started.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I would be honoured, thank you.”

Em:
She steps inside, removing her shoes, and pulling the shroud off of her horns and hanging it on one of the coat hooks. She looks around, and you just see joy. You just see unfettered joy, at seeing what you've made for yourself, and made of yourself, here. In a place where she holds eminent domain.

Jannes:
I think Rhys would, would be slightly… Abashed. A little uncertain. Desperate to impress, but also, not really sure where to start.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Um, what, uh, what brings you here? Everything's all right?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“It is, yes. I um… I'm sorry I couldn't have come sooner.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Oh that's... That's alright. You came at the perfect time. We only... I've only really just... Settled in.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I know. I wanted to give you space to figure this out. Of course, I could help and guide, and make sure you have everything you need, but… There is something to be said about getting your feet underneath you.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“No, it's been… It’s been wonderful. It's been… It's been the happiest I've ever been.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Good.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Thank you.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Oh, you’re welcome, I… I do what I can, here. To hold the sacredness of the River. Those who exist here, my charges. Everyone who has ever walked this earth, this place, across all planes. They deserve something to come home to. And if I can play a part in that, then well, I am doing my job.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I don’t… I don't mean to disagree with a god, especially not one who's been so kind to me, but… If after death, there was nothing, that would also be… What a lot of people deserve. This... This goes beyond that. This is true kindness.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Well, I appreciate it. I have a theory that when parts of the world die, are overtaken by the radiation, or the Fallaway, or crumble away entirely, that they come here. In some semblance of what they were. There was a hell once. I'm sure there is one out there somewhere. I have only been the caretaker of the River for eighteen millennia now. Give or take. I can't see it all. I am just one being.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“How, how… How fair things on the material plane? Things are, things are well?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“She's alright.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“She's... She's safe?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“She is. It has been much less time for her than it has been for you. Yet I would posit that she has undergone, maybe an equivalent amount of changes, as you have. But that's not for me to spoil.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“She was, she was never one to be stagnant.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Certainly not. I'm helping her, with the adjustment.”

Em:
And I think, Rhys, you would see that while Nepthysaket looks the same as you saw her, on the battlefield before the tree, but now with the countenance that you had with her in that market shop, in Hood. She seems somewhat… Dimmer. Like, there is something missing. Something that was there, in its fullest extent, is now slightly less than what it was before. She doesn't draw attention to it. No remark on it. But it's there.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“How are you?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Busy. I don’t know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, I think it is just a thing. I, um… I have to be many places at once, so when I get to truly pause, and hope that the Cradle can oversee itself for an hour or two, or longer, I think that's when I feel that tiredness coming in sometimes. What a thing for a god to get tired. It feels ungrateful, sometimes, but… I try my best. I try to find things that bring me joy. I spend time amongst the priestesses. I walk the streets of Glass. Try and stay amongst the people as much as possible. It reminds me why I do what I do.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“You are well?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Yes, you need not worry, Rhys.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“If... If you need help... I could… No, I couldn't.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“And I appreciate the offer all the same.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Do you meet many in the River who truly only find their purpose for life after it's no longer truly a life?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I think I meet more that never got the chance to have the life they deserved. And now, with freedom from time, from strain. Without barriers of money, or, station. They can truly build the life they want for themselves. And that feels good enough. Being dead evens the playing field a bit.”

Jannes:
I think that at that he would smile, and, that smile would turn slightly sour.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I know it's not good to dwell on things that, never will, can't be, but… I can't help but think that… The person I am now could have helped us so much more. My biggest regret is that I never really let her see who I was. I… I tried to make myself something that was easy to lose. And, for me, I think the worst part about it is that, at the time, I thought my sacrifice would be something that made me deserving of her love. My protection. But now I realize that, she loves me for the things I did. She can't love me for who I was, because I never showed it to her. And she never did that with me. Ever was unapologetically herself. And… She was truly everything to me.”

Em:
I think you've been having this conversation over a simple dinner. The plates are cleared. And as you say this, she moves around the simple table, sitting next to you in a chair. She takes a soft hand and places it over top of yours, both of them. It feels warm, and get hints of that spice and floral and incense. She looks you straight in the eye.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Rhys. You spent some of the most formative years of your life being told you were worth nothing. Less than nothing. That everything that made you, you, was a shame. A black mark, on something that could have been so perfect. It is not surprising to me that there was an incredible fear. Difficulty. Inability. To show her what was behind that.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I'm past blaming myself for how things went. For who I was, when we met. I just hate that I thought that the things that I did, that somehow as long as I did the right things, that would make me deserve her love. But I never gave her the only thing she needed.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Would you like a chance to? I see you, having kept yourself busy, tasked task. And now finally settling in, taking off that mask that you needed for your own protection, and so that you could do your work.”

Jannes:
I think when she offers this… There is a genuine look of fear on Rhys's face. He so badly wants an opportunity to see her. To be seen by her. But think he's also very, very… Scared. He's lost her once, and the thought of losing her again, or worse, the thought of it's just being different.

Em:
I think Nepthysaket is intuitive enough to see this all play out on your face.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Yes. The answer will always be yes.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Because I would have stayed until we finished that bottle of wine until I convinced you. She would have killed me, if I didn't. Pun intended.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Well if there’s someone who could, I… I would need some time, to get some things ready…”

Em:
She laughs.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“The Lucid Mother and I have been working on something for you. We talk about you both, often. The parallels between the two of you. There is both that light and dark within you, shining so brightly. Because darkness can shine. There is nothing inherently scary about the dark. You just have to become comfortable in it. And in many ways, you've halted the eclipse in each other while keeping each other in motion. You do not let each other burn out. You allow each other to shine. Just enough. The mortal world will march on, one foot in front of the other. And well, you are now very separate from it. You have been, up to this point, barred from a mortal joy that you should have never been parted from. When you're ready, sleep, and dream. Allow yourself to dream, Rhys, and you can go see her as much as you like.”

Jannes:
I think when she says that, there's a moment where Rhys almost feels like a kid that's been caught doing something he shouldn't. There's a moment where he goes, how did you know that I have purposely been avoiding dreaming? How did she know that at night when they sit on the beach, and he has dinner with Avisan, that Avisan doesn't enjoy any of the wine. That Rake will do anything to make sure that he doesn't dream.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Alright, I will. I will go see her, if only to spare your life.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Nobody can kill me. And I mean that. Our downfalls are a very hidden thing, as you well know.”

Jannes:
Em?

Em:
Jannes?

Jannes:
Does Rhys's new powers work on Nepthysaket?

Em:
Hmm. Well. Since we have yet to roll any dice this session, perhaps we should, and we should see if they work or not.

Jannes:
Alright.

Em:
So. What are you trying to do here?

Jannes:
I think this would be feel someone out.

Em:
I was actually going to argue, wield of power.

Jannes:
Ooh, okay. I like that one better.

Em:
So, what are you trying to do here?

Jannes:
I... So now, this is the thing, I don't think that Rhys is actively trying to do something here. I think that the way I see it, is that his power is almost always sort of semi-active.

Em:
Mmhmm.

Jannes:
He can sort of see things, he can choose to sort of like, expend energy to have a closer look, but he's always able to sort of get an idea of how things fit together.

Em:
Okay.

Jannes:
And in this moment, I guess my thought is that, does he pick up, when she talks about her downfall, does he pick up on anything that would allow him to see how that works? So I don't know if wield the power makes sense, because he's not actively trying to discover it. It's more sort of that ability to see how things fit together, is always sort of clicking over in the background. And when she talks about her downfall, does he see how it fits with her, and what he knows of her?

Em:
I understand. I still think wield a power works best here, because in my mind, this is the power of intuition. Not foresight, but intuition. And, while you are not actively engaging this power all the time, when you look at her here, you are trying to deeply intuit something about her. A hidden thing. The most hidden thing. And plus, I just like rolling dice. Well, I like when you roll dice. So, when you wield a power to do something only a god can, a divine act of knowing, a godly act of intuition, roll 2d6, and add one for each true statement. You've done this specific act before perfectly. I don't think so.

Jannes:
Not for a god.

Em:
Not for a god. You're desperate for this to work. Are you desperate?

Jannes:
I mean, I don't know if I can take strain in the River, but I'm not desperate, because I think it's not fully, like actively knowing that he's doing it.

Em:
Okay. And you're close to a shrine lair or domain of the god you took this power from. Well, this power lives in your bones. So I'm going to say yes. So that's 2d6 and add a plus one.

Jannes:
I rolled a seven.

Em:
Okay. I don't even want to think about what an overkill would have been for this one, but it wouldn't have been good.

Jannes:
She would have known that I knew.

Em:
Hmm. On a hit, seven to nine, you do it. So. You look at her. Her demeanor is easy. You've been teasing back and forth about the act of killing a god. And she's come here to talk to you about love. About sacrifice. About the connection to another being that is held so highly and cherished. And I'm not going to give you her downfall, flat out. That would be a disservice to her. But, I think what you can glean from this moment, is that she has walled herself so far off from love. Not because she doesn't want it, but because she truly believes that the best thing for herself and the Cradle, is to not have it. And that's what I'll give you on a hit.

Jannes:
So as she says that Ever couldn't kill her, and that her downfall is very well hidden. I think Rake grows serious for a moment.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Well, not to be rude, but I hope, that someday someone will know it.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Hmm. Perhaps.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't wait till the River to experience what you deserve.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Noted. I don't think I will quite ever get used to you trying to caretake for me, in my domain.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I don't know if there's been anyone whose, whose ever caretook for you before.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Not truly since I became a god. The divinity changes you, as you know. It has to. To say that I could be the same person that I was before I stood on that roof of Temple Felinis, and have the Weave open up before me. I try and keep as much of her as I can. But, there is always the work.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Well, I think our… Shared sister… Would be very disappointed in me if I didn't advocate for your happiness at least once in a while.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“She does.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Is she well?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I'll send her by sometime and you can see for yourself.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I would love that.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Heavens forbid you get both of us in the same place at once. You'll never get a word in edgewise.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I, I would need more wine, but that would be a night to remember.”

Em:
I think the evening goes on very pleasantly. It's so easy. You sit in your living quarters, in front of the hearth and… She remembers times from when you were little. What she observed as the cat on the fence post. She tells stories of her life at the Thanatea. And, I think you get the sense that, as long as you wished it, there would be many evenings like this.

Jannes:
I think at some point, Rhys shows her around the house, and, it's only when he starts to show her around, I think, that she truly gets a sort of weird idea of what this strange house actually is. The living quarters, I think she would have been able to see quite clearly, is very similar to the living- his memory of Ever's small house. But as he leads her into the next room, I think she realizes that this house is much bigger than she originally anticipated. He leads her into a small library that bears striking resemblance to the library that Ever and himself hid in. And he takes her up the stairs, to the second floor where his bedroom is. And there's something eerily familiar about the stairwell, built separately to the house. It's almost as if he's constructed set pieces of memories that he shared with Ever. A way for him to be able to exist in those spaces, because he doesn't allow himself to dream of them.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
And I think as the listener, if you were watching this time that he spent here, fast forward, you would see him sit where he sat in the library, a chair empty next to him. You would see him climb the stairs at night to his bedroom, pausing on the step. These little rituals that he's built into his everyday life, that are very much desperate attempts of someone who's scared that he will forget.

Em:
Mhmm.

Jannes:
And I think that night, as it draws to a close, and he hugs her goodbye, he skips all of those rituals, knowing what awaits him in sleep.

Em:
She bids you a farewell. I think there's a moment for the both of you, where you allow a mutual caretaking for each other. She's not trying to be your mother. That she would fill those places for you, without the title. You hear her footsteps pad away, and they fade before the jingle does. And she is gone. Until another day. Another visit. Do you try and dream that night?

Jannes:
I think that first night, Rhys goes to bed fully intent on dreaming. I don't know if he actually sleeps a wink. [Em laughs] He tosses and he turns, and he gets up, and he goes back downstairs, and he has a cup of tea, and he goes back up, and he so desperately wants to sleep that it just doesn't find him. But I think on the second night… But I think, on the next day, he's sitting in the library, a book on his lap. The sun coming through the high windows, warm on his face, tired from the lack of sleep the night before, and he drifts off to sleep. The book falls to the ground.

Em:
Ever. You awaken in your room, in the Dreamscape. Your eyes fluttering open softly. Last time you were here, you appeared on a balcony outside of your room, but now you're in it. What do you see around you? What does your room look like?

Gina:
But there's sun streaming through the curtains and, birds are singing and… It's warm, but not hot. And it just feels right. I think there have been many mornings where I've woken up, and instantly the dread hits me. But not here.

Em:
Not here. You look around and you see on your bedside table, a note, in Rhys's handwriting. What does it say, Jannes?

Jannes:
It says. ‘Good morning, Sunshine. I'm waiting for you. You know where to find me.’

Em:
What would you like to do?

Gina:
I don't think... I don't think Ever has smiled as large as she is right now, in a very long time. I'm going to fold, fold the note and put it in my pocket. And then look over myself and, I'm still in my sleeping clothes, I, I need to change. I'm going to go to my closet. And I want to… I know it's silly, but I want to look… I want to look beautiful when I see him, so, I'm going to look over the options in my closet.

Em:
A yellow sundress.

Gina:
That's the one.

Em:
That’s the one.

Gina:
I put it on, and I moved to the mirror, and look at myself. And I think about how all the time… All the time we've known each other, even though it was too short, we'd never really gotten the opportunity to… For him to see me like this. I look at myself in the mirror once more, and there's a few wrinkles. I pass my hand over the front of it and smooth the wrinkles. And as I run my hand over it, I make it so it fits just right.

Em:
You can do that now. Your powers of repair don't really have a limit that you've found, just yet. And as you're preparing to go, you remember Oneira's words. You walk out into the hallway. The room next to yours is his. The door is ajar. Just a touch.

Gina:
I stand out in the hallway. Just for a moment to see if I can hear anything.

Em:
You do not.

Gina:
I take one last breath. And I knock, lightly.

Em:
At your knock, the door swings open a little bit more. And you find it empty. Not empty of furnishing, but he is not in it. But I would love to know what it looks like inside.

Jannes:
You see a single bed, and there is a wool blanket of a rainbow of colours, muted, but every colour, and it is thickly knit. It is comfortable and warm. And you see there's not much other furnishing in the room, but the room is exploding with flowers. Just vases of them, plants. And there is wood carvings. All the beams have been intricately carved. Vines. Flowers. If you were to squint, it would almost seem as though the bed was sitting in a forest glade. And the smell… It is the smell that… It's the amazing thing about smell. You can't smell the sun. But you can smell the effect the sun has on everything that it touches. And that's what you smell. As though this room has been baking in the sun. It makes everything sharper. Makes everything more.

Em:
What would you like to do?

Gina:
I think I move through this room, touching everything. The blanket, the bed, the flowers, the walls, the books on the shelf, the… Everything, I know is his, and, and I think… It's when I make my way to... Is there a window in this room?

Em:
There is.

Gina:
What's the view?

Em:
Hmm. It's on the back half of the building. So, you would see a beautiful countryside, marked with other villas, houses. And miles and miles of sky. But, it too, is slightly ajar, and you do hear the sound of the ocean.

Gina:
And I know, of all the places. I know where I'll find Rhys.

Em:
You do. So you meander your way down the hallways, staircases and landings.

Gina:
I don't think I'm meander, I think I'm… I'm moving quite quickly.

Em:
Mm. Running?

Gina:
When no one can see me.

Em:
[Em laughs] You exit the villa where your room is housed. You move briskly past the doors, and the names on them have become clearer, for you to understand. You see the names of other mortals, none you recognize. One door after another, in which the beings of the Cradle live their lives beyond the one in which they're slumbering. Dreams have power, and here in your newly ascended form, you understand why this place exists as it does, and it feeds you. Dreams hold hope. You feel yourself invigorated in this place, as if the divinities of the Dreamscape hold inherent ties to the divinity you've tethered yourself to. Your hunger is hope. As you get outside, the sky swims a pastiche of pinks, purples, blues, oranges, golds. This Arcadia, a familiar balm to the dark corners of the Cradle that you have been forced to see. And as you move quickly down the slope, you move between twenty or so similar buildings that line this pathway on a decline, winding between phosphorescent gardens towards the crystal waters of the Shores of Serenity. You broach the end of the path, worked stone giving way to miles and miles of white sand, as the water laps about twenty feet down. And as you look down the beach, Rhys, what does she see?

Jannes:
She sees a blanket stretched across the sand. A picnic basket placed at the edge of it. But there's no Rhys there. Then you hear it. The sound of splashing. And he hasn't seen you yet. But you see him swimming. His skin... It was once so pale, is sun kissed.

Gina:
It's here where I take my time, moving closer, slowly, just watching you. And I stop when I get to the blanket. And I wait. Until you see me first.

Jannes:
As you watch him you see… Someone playing in the waves with a childlike enjoyment. And I think throughout the entire time that he's been in the water, not more than a few minutes go by that he doesn't throw a glance back at the blanket to make sure that he hasn't missed your arrival. And in one of those moments where he glances back, and he sees you standing there, he turns to face you. A brief look of uncertainty on his face, and then he sees you. He really sees you. And he smiles. A smile like you never saw, in all the time that you knew him. And I think in that moment, you see him like a sunset to your sunrise. As he sprints towards you, he doesn't falter, he doesn't hesitate. He embraces you. You feel the water from the sea soak through your yellow dress. But the thing you notice most, is his skin is warm. Like his room. Feels sunbaked. His face, pressed into your neck. He holds you, so tightly. As if attempting to pull you into him. so that you can be one rather than two.

Gina:
As soon as you pull her into a hug, she just laughs, and smiles, and holds you as tightly as she can. I pull you as close to me as I can and I just,

Gina (as Ever):
“I’ve missed you so much!”

Gina:
I pull myself just back enough so that I can look at you. Place my hands on either side of your face. Brush some of the hair away, it's curly now. And I look at you.

Gina (as Ever):
“Rhys…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“You came.”

Gina (as Ever):
“You’re really here.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I've missed you.”

Gina:
And as you say that, I pull you into a kiss, like I've never kissed you before. Freely, without worry, without hesitation, without guilt.

Jannes:
And as you kiss him, like you've never kissed him before, the kiss you get in return is unlike any kiss Rake ever gave you. This kiss is soft, where his was hard. It's warm. Whereas, it was cold. And it's a kiss that screams of beginnings rather than endings. And as he… As our lips part, he presses his forehead against yours.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I spent years thinking what I would say to you when I saw you again, if I had the chance. There was… The was only one thing that ever made me happy before. And that was you. And I have spent the last... I don't even know how long, finding every other thing that could possibly make me happy. Only so that I could stand here and say that it's still you that makes me happiest.”

Gina:
I kiss you again.

Gina (as Ever):
“I have so much to tell you.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I want to know everything.”

Gina (as Ever):
“But it can wait. Do we have time? No…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“We have every night.”

Gina (as Ever):
“We have so much time.”

Gina:
My fingers move to trace the laugh lines around your eyes.

Gina (as Ever):
“Rhys, you… You’re radiant.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I'm just trying to keep up. Are you alright?”

Gina:
I think you see this look cross my face as you say that, but where you’ve… Every other time you've asked me that, you would see tiredness or grief or sadness. Or confusion. That you were so accustomed to, and here, I just look happy. Now that I'm with you.

Gina (as Ever):
“Did you know that they put our rooms next to one another's?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I don't know if they had a choice.”

Gina (as Ever):
“[laughs] No.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I'm sorry it took me so long to come. I hope you haven't been waiting long for me.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Rhys, I'll always wait for you. I was, I was going to... I was thinking about what I would do when I saw you. I was thinking I was going to ask you if you wanted to go to the beach with me, but… You are always one step ahead. Is it everything you wanted?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“It is now. You know, I... I learned to sail. Fish.”

Gina:
You see Ever looks surprised at that.

Gina (as Ever):
“You did?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I did! And every night, Avisan and I, we have dinner on the sand. I'm sorry, I've spent… I've spent years… Always leaving a space empty beside me, for you, and now you're here and I... that space is no longer empty and I… I, I built a house.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Where? Will you show me?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“It's in the River, I don't know if, I don't think I can take you there, yet. But I…”

Gina (as Ever):
“Well, tell me all about it, what…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Oh, it’s beautiful.”

Gina (as Ever):
“What's it like?

Jannes (as Rhys):
“It's…”

Jannes:
And I think at this point, Rake becomes a little self-conscious of the fact that if he describes the house, it'll just seem very sad. But he,

Jannes (as Rhys):
“It's, it's wonderful. It's, it's got a library and it's… It's very similar to one that I'd seen before. Oh, the foxgloves are amazing. They're everywhere.”

Gina (as Ever):
“The foxgloves?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Yes. Did you go home?”

Gina (as Ever):
“I did. Though…”

Gina:
And you see a look, just a brief flash of… Tentativeness... Cross my face.

Gina (as Ever):
“Rhys, after you… Nepthysaket was very kind to me. She cared for me in ways that… I can't ever repay, and part of that…

Gina:
And you see, Ever is struggling to know how to say this. Before she just… Then this whole time she hasn't let go of you, until now, she takes just a half step back so you can see her a little more fully.

Em:
And Rhys as she does that. I'm gonna have you roll to recognize a god. So, I feel like we have to end where we began. When you want to recognize the signs or influence of a god of the Cradle, roll 2d6, and add one for each true statement. You're in or near their domain? No. You're familiar with their gospel? Yes. And it would be bad if you didn't know? No. And I will say with this, because it's you, and it's her, there is no overkill here. So, 2d6 and a plus one.

Jannes:
Well, that's good there's no overkill, because I rolled a ten, plus one, for an eleven.

Em:
That feels fitting, too.

Gina:
That does, feel right.

Em:
So on a hit, seven to nine, GM will give you a clear interpretation of the omens. Ask your GM a single follow-up question of your choosing and they must answer honestly. Before you, it is almost like you can see what was, and what is. As long as you have known Ever, she has had divinity. The spark of divinity that she carried, that was Thielia’s. Manifested through Rowan, but stewarded by her. She is no longer a steward, but an owner. She is now a full and true god. You see that her divinity carries traces of the Wilds. You assume that that may be remnant of Thielia. You could assume a tie to that forest, the one that she knows so well, that you have seen her walk through, when you went through the time slip. But it's hers. And you feel an overwhelming sense that the hope you carry, with her standing in front of you, and whatever you can build between the two of you, will sustain her more than food or oxygen ever could. And you can ask me one single question about anything at all, and I will answer it honestly.

Jannes:
What's her downfall?

Em:
[gasps dramatically] Gods above. Okay. Okay. Using that intuition in a more honed and practiced manner, you feel as you recognize her, as you see her. You finesse that skill, just enough. And you can correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not doing this so that you can hurt her, you're doing this to prevent anyone from ever hurting her ever again.

Jannes:
Exactly.

Em:
I know you well enough. The forest is important. She is tied to the Wildwood. She cannot be away from it for long. She can walk anywhere in the Cradle. The Wilds are her domain. But she must return to it, or feel herself weaken. And that hope you felt that could sustain her, if the thing that nourishes her is hope, the thing that would be her undoing would be someone with no semblance of hope at all, who would try and kill her outside of the Wildwood, and though I won't reveal this to you, the curse that would follow it would be utterly unbearable. Death would be kinder. What a use of a question.

Jannes:
As Rhys stands there, seeing Ever in all her radiance,

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Oh, my dear, it's wonderful. There's no one better. I’m so proud of you.”

Gina:
I look down at myself and then back up at you.

Gina (as Ever):
“Home is a little different for me now. But only there. Not here.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“You were always like this. You were always radiant. Now everyone else knows, too.”

Gina (as Ever):
“You could always see that in me.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I could.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Even when I couldn't see it in myself. Do you know, do you know one of my favorite parts of all of this? Becoming a... It's still so strange to say it... Becoming a…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“A god?”

Gina (as Ever):
“A… A god. Aside from the powers, and the… Now being able to see Nepthysaket whenever I want, who would have thought? Is… Then I get to come here with you. Whenever I want. For as long as I want. Sort of… For as long as you'll have me.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Forever.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Will you show me? Everything, show me all your favorite places,”

Gina:
And you can see she looks a bit bashful as she says,

Gina (as Ever):
“And your room. Maybe. I mean, I saw it when I… but you weren't in it, so…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I…”

Gina (as Ever):
“It’s probably different with you in it, I would imagine.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Would you believe I... I knit that blanket myself.”

Gina (as Ever):
“[laughs] You did not.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I did. I tried everything.”

Gina (as Ever):
“When did you learn to knit?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Ever, it's been years for me.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Oh… Time is different in the River…”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I've spent more time as Rhys now, than I did as Rake.”

Gina (as Ever):
“As it always should have been.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“As you made possible. What is your… How do your powers manifest?”

Gina (as Ever):
“You know, it's... It's all still so new. Sometimes it… Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“What is it that you do?”

Gina (as Ever):
“Maybe we can test it out together.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“So, you're a god now. Do you have… Duties? What does a day in the life of a god look like? [Ever chuckles] Do you have followers, worshippers?”

Gina (as Ever):
“Oh, that's gonna be weird, isn't it?”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I mean, it's nice to know there are others.”

Gina (as Ever):
“I… I care for the Wildwood. I see to it that everything stays, and everything stays alive, and green and… That people feel safe. That they have hope.”

Em:
And as she stands close to you, as she says this, I'm assuming you're either holding her, or you have your hands together. You feel her heartbeat under your fingers, steady and strong. She underestimates what she does. She is the heart of the forest. She is the Heart of the Wilds.

Gina (as Ever):
“I wish I could show it to you.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“I would love that, but having this time with you is more than I thought I would get. I will not spend a second wishing for more.”

Gina (as Ever):
“This is only the beginning. We can be together, now. As long as we want.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“As long as you want.”

Gina (as Ever):
“Forever.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Are you sure about that?”

Jannes:
[Ever giggles] And as he says that, he will scoop her up in his arms, and start slowly walking towards the ocean.

Jannes (as Rhys):
“You sure?”

Gina (as Ever):
“[Ever giggles] Forever.”

Jannes (as Rhys):
“Even if I was to…”

Jannes:
And he will throw her in the water.

Gina (as Ever): [giggling]
“Don't you dare. Don't you do it!”

Em:
As she hits the water with a splash, your laughter ringing out. Rhys, I think you remind yourself of that time you saw her in the Saileach. This is the first of many times that you will make each other laugh. Because you have the time. You have more time. A place that is yours, safe and away from what will become of the world. And we leave you there. Truly, it is time for the world to leave you alone. You have both done more than enough. And while you may not see this, we do. The world moves forward, one foot in front of the other. A year. Two. Five. Ten. Twenty. We fast forward about thirty years. The Dreamscape, staying mostly unchanged, purposefully so, while the Cradle cannot help but change, straining to keep its footing against the inevitable. It remains peaceful here, slow and easy, cut off from the darkness of the world that encroaches every year.

And we find ourselves upon a grassy embankment overlooking that same beach. Soevan, the Lucid Mother. Goddess of Sleep, Dreaming, and Illusion, leans against the railing. A glance falling over the two of you, as you both take a long walk on the beach. You're here almost every night. Sometimes she sees you, sometimes she doesn't. The waves lapping at an unchanging shoreline, as fae takes a sip from a swirling mug of tea. Fae pauses, and looks to faer left, and sighs with a smile.

Em (as Soevan):
“Sister.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Sister, it is good to see you.”

Em:
Nepthysaket approaches her, unhooking a black prayer shroud, much the same, from her horns and lets it settle over her shoulders. Wordlessly, as they have done so many times before, Soevan offers a mug, with a motion to adjourn to a small table set nearby, still overlooking the beach. Nepthysaket lingers for a moment, a smile truly reaching her eyes, as they sit. Soevan's children play close by, the elder ones keeping an eye on those who are still much younger. It has been almost half a millennia since Soevan stopped dreaming. And fae looks out over them with a wistfulness and a longing that comes from knowing that, while they will still be young for ages yet, there will be a time very soon where she will set down the youngest of her children after carrying them, and will not pick them back up again. They both sit in silence for a moment. These two divine beings, finding reprieve of their own, in the presence and company of the other.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I cannot thank you enough for doing this. For opening your home to them. For making the exception for him.”

Em (as Soevan):
“Of course. Anything for you. How are they adjusting? I really try to give them space. We've knows they've had enough of us meddling for one age.”

Em:
Nepthysaket considers this over a sip of tea.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“It will take time, as in all things. I am more concerned that they get to spend their time together. The world kept them apart for long enough. She continues to test the limits of her power, and is starting to find its boundaries. She hasn't felt the full weight of the anchor to the Seanmháthair yet, but it will pull her back sharply and she will need to learn that balance. I suspect you see them quite regularly. She's learning what it means to be divine. The responsibility… The isolation. Which I know she tries to stave herself or from. She has a lot of questions.”

Em (as Soevan):
“I would too, in her position. I don't envy that. The constant back and forth between your divine domain and those very responsibilities. But, with the memories of a mortal life. But you, dear sister, above all, don't need a lecture on that.”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Certainly not. He too is adapting, I think. His father is a good shepherd. I think he's fully let go of his own anchor, the one that was, unfortunately, his by birthright. You keep your children so safe. And she set him up for failure.”

Em (as Soevan):
“He has paid any penance she wrought a thousand times over. So if this place brings them peace and solace, then I am happy to provide that.”

Em:
Nepthysaket smiles softly, but it fades, as she pauses, setting down her tea.

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“And, while I wish this was simply a social call, I fear I have some unfortunate news that feels pertinent to you. More reason not to dream, my dear, and to keep those children of yours close.”

Em:
Soevan sets down faer cup leaning forward, a look of both curiosity and concern on her face.

Em (as Soevan):
“What happened?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“I've held this in too long. I was requested to keep it quiet, to avoid panic or power struggle in the wake of the inevitable vacuum. A god fell, made their transition to the River. One of the Major Seven. And I'm troubled with the inevitable consequences that will come from this, so much that I shouldn't, I cannot keep this to myself anymore.”

Em (as Soevan):
“Who?”

Em (as Nepthysaket):
“Tayo. It was about thirty years ago now, and they were killed by…”

Em:
And she is cut off by the approach of Oneira, who looks towards her mother.

Em (as Oneira):
“Mother, you have a visitor and she says it's urgent.”

Em:
Soevan flusters for a moment.

Em (as Soevan):
“She will have to wait, Oneira. I have company.”

Em (as Oneira):
“Well, perhaps Her Grace should come too. This visitor has sought audience with both Falir and Tenebe already, and she says you are her last hope. Her name is Pehlia Andrade, and she dreams of a child.”

Em:
And that is where we will end it, right there.

Em:
Godkiller: Balance is performed by Em Carlson, Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. This season’s dramaturge is Tim Carlson. We want to extend our thanks to our incredible guests this season: Christian Navarro, Tim Carlson, Anjali Bhimani, Christian Carlson, Luis Carazo, Cody Heath, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Matt Mercer, and Aabria Iyengar. Our Cradle is more alive with you in it. Special thanks to our campaign artist, Mischi, who you can find @Mischiart on twitter! Our main theme for this episode, Light & Dark, was composed by Sean McRoberts. Music and effects by Epidemic Sound. For more stories, come follow us everywhere at @blackwaterdnd, and make sure to check out our Main Campaign on Monday nights at 8pm PST at twitch.tv/blackwaterdnd. To play your own campaign of Godkiller and dive into your own divinity, go support Godkiller by purchasing the ashcan on itch.io today, with the print version published soon by Evil Hat Productions. This show is made possible by our sponsors who graciously support us playing pretend and having feelings about it. We are grateful to be sponsored by Heroforge, who offer fully customizable miniatures made with their online 3D character creator! Head on over and design your own Godkiller, and get them printed in a variety of materials, including colour printing options! With new content added each week, check out www.heroforge.com to start bringing your character to life! This show is also proudly sponsored by Moonbeam, a better and safer way to stream! Dive into Realms for vibrant community hubs where creators keep 100% of what they earn while protected by Pyxis, a revolutionary moderation tool that learns and adapts to your boundaries. So check them out and join Moonbeam today! Finally, we’re thankful for our Patrons for joining us on our second journey through the Cradle - and don’t worry, heretics. We will be back to the Cradle soon enough. Godkiller: Endymion has entered pre-production, and we can’t wait to bring this incredible new show to you. You too can come join us on Patreon, where you can check out behind the scenes info, our talkback show Chatwater, as well as exclusive Godkiller bonus content and so much more. Head on over to patreon.com/blackwaterdnd for all the info. See you next time, heretics, and to all the gods out there, be safe!