BlackwaterDnD

Em:
Welcome to BlackwaterDnD, where good friends tell better stories. This series, Balance, is a miniseries using the Powered by the Apocalypse system, Godkiller, which was created by Connie Chang, now available on Itch.io for purchase, and is proudly sponsored by Hero Forge and Moonbeam. This tale takes us back, long before the end of the universe, to a time when we begin to explore & understand old divine wounds that run so very deep, and what happens when love is caught in the middle. This story encouraged us as creators to strive for genuine emotion and connection, relish the space we create at the table, and take big swings with the way we approached our narrative. For this story, your GOD, everyone else, and the thrum of the Cradle, is myself, Em Carlson, and my GODKILLERs are played by Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. As this game falls within a holypunk and dark fantasy genre, it may contain themes and depictions that are triggering for some listeners. Please take care of yourself and access safe support as you see fit.

Content warnings for this episode include: Sleep paralysis // Body horror // creature horror & teeth // threats of violence

So sit back and relax, heretics. And welcome to Godkiller: Balance.

Interlude 2, Part 1: Drifting

Em:
It is said that the best bridge between hope and despair is a good night's sleep. That the hours spent in deep slumber are a balm to hurt minds, tired hearts, and bodies aching from the hours spent awake in the day. A small death of each day's life, where we let our guard down because we need to recuperate, and process. Memories and experiences, examined and catalogued, resetting to awaken the next day rested, refreshed, and ready to begin once more. The word ‘drift’ is both a noun, and a verb. To drift means to be carried slowly by a current, while drift itself means a continuous, slow movement from one place to another. So you drift, adrift, on drift, adrift. The elixir induced descent into eons of sleep washes over you, as you feel your body completely relax into the bed beneath you, the waking world feeling so very far away. And you begin to dream. Or you would, Rake, if you could get there. But this is not the first time you've tried, and certainly not the first time you've failed to grasp that experience of dreaming. It has been a long time since you dreamed. Maybe years. And if you did, you certainly can't remember them. Instead, it is as if the linens melt beneath you, and rather than floating up, your body slips down through a now hollow bed, through the floor, and down, down, down, into an inky black void. Every night, some version of this where you are aware that there is a nothing, where there should be something. A happening or occurrence should be taking up this space, but it is not. And that hollow feeling, ever present. A weightlessness rising in waves as you wonder how long it will last this time. What is going through your mind right now as you enter this place once again?

Jannes:
I think Rake is just disappointed. I think when Speaker Arno had said that there would be a chance that he might be able to… Share this journey with someone else. That there might be a chance that he might be able to piggyback off their ability to dream. And he might for once, have drift worked the way it was intended to. And I think the fact that he saw Ever, but wasn't able to follow… There's a disappointment, that's sort of mixed with a forlornness of... Why does he even keep trying to find good things, when they always seem to just be hidden, or kept out of his reach.

Em:
You wait, trying to pass the time and find stillness. But this time… you hear a voice. It sounds... wet. Sticky. Coming from a mouth that isn't yet adept at speaking.

Em (as Knave):
“Rake! Rake!”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Yes?”

Em:
Do you open your eyes?

Jannes:
Yes, I would open my eyes.

Em:
Your eyes open as the word ‘yes’ escapes your mouth. And you are in some facsimile of the room you are in at The Wayfarer's Lamp, but it looks as if this version is somehow also a part of the Flood. It's off, in some way. The walls, and floors, and adornments of the room are all made of stone, and where there are individual things that you know in your room you could pick up off the desk, those are built into the stone itself. As if whatever created this room did a very quick job trying to approximate it. The linens in the bed, which are wrapped around you, are a similar linen, and the only thing that seems to be separate, but they are rough to the touch. This is not a place of comfort, but a place of convenience. Something meant to approximate what you left behind. And as you come to your senses, your eyes darting around the room to get your bearings, out of the corner of your eye you catch something, staring at you, eyes wide. But as you blink again, it's gone. And you feel like you are alone in the room once more. What would you like to do?

Jannes:
Rake would get out of bed and as he does he would call out,

Jannes (as Rake):
“It's alright, I'm not going to hurt you. Where have you gone?”

Em:
In the left hand corner of the room, there is an armoire, or at least it looks like it is a slab of stone approximating your armoire. You hear… a slurping sound as you look up on top. And you see, small, at first, this vaguely humanoid form, crouched in the corner. And it locks eyes with you, eyes, sort of. It holds your gaze, and then seems to… decorporealize, slide down the side of the armoire, in a pool of black tar, weaves its way around, like a small rivulet pooling in front of you, probably about five feet from you. And it begins to start to take shape. Begins to stretch upwards, legs, a torso, arms, and then a head, this vaguely humanoid form, as you have seen before, no discernible features, but then as it gets to its head, it cracks its neck around, and opens its mouth. And we see a few rows of sharp, bright, white teeth. This is the creature your mother was speaking to when you saw her last. The one she threatened.

Jannes (as Rake):
“I assume you have some sort of message for me.”

Em:
It looks around. There are a few pieces of stone separated, perhaps not fully formed in, and you see a long appendage reach over, grab those piece of stone, break them off, and it takes it and shoves it into its chest. The pieces of stone, three, four of them, seem to disappear inside the substance, and you watch for a moment as you see this creature… try and form itself to the task at hand. You have asked it a question. It is realizing it needs to speak to you, with some approximation of a proper mouth. You see a bulge as it moves up its neck, assuming it's that piece of stone, and it settles into a jawline. You see its face start to take on more of a chiselled form as those two or three or four pieces of stone approximate a jaw. Cracks its mouth a couple times.

Em (as Knave):
“No, I came here myself, I made a choice.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I never took you lot for someone who… could make your own choices.”

Em (as Knave):
“She has been teaching me. I am a quick learner.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Are you here on her behest?”

Em (as Knave):
“No!”

Jannes (as Rake):
“You're here for yourself?”

Em (as Knave):
“I was curious.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Oh.”

Em:
Its tongue lulls out its mouth and kind of wipes the excess tar across its teeth.

Jannes (as Rake):
“She will have you killed if she knows what you're doing. You know that, right?”

Em (as Knave):
“I think she will commend me for it.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“And what is it that you're going to do that she would commend you for?”

Em (as Knave):
“I'm not sure yet.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Hm. So you've taken up the initiative to come and check in on me?”

Em (as Knave):
“I am curious why you vex her so much. Why does she need you? She talks often about how she needs you. Why?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I also didn't think you to be the type to be jealous.”

Em (as Knave):
“I am curious. What is jealous?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“It would take too long to explain. I... I'm not certain why she needs me. Other than, I'm her hand on this plane. A place where she cannot herself move, yet.”

Em (as Knave):
“Then what do you have that I do not, or that I could not make for myself?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I don't know. Time, I guess. You seem capable and driven. I'm sure you could… catch up. I'd be happy to give you my place.”

Em (as Knave):
“She complains about you often, and the world you live in.”

Em:
And this being opens its mouth wide, too wide. And you hear a… almost perfect replication, of what she sounds like, come out of its mouth.

Em (as Knave, as The Matron of Vengeance):
“Sometime soon, what sets us apart from the mortals will be stripped away by a godkiller who can act as they please. If this prophecy comes to pass, we are all doomed. And I will not be welcomed back onto the plane just for it to be destroyed before I can get what's rightfully mine. The balance must be achieved. Someone took it from me, so I will find my way to take it from them. But as for now, Knave, my hands are tied. I cannot kill any gods, or mortals for that matter, and any mortal I have tried to convince to act above their station and challenge the divine for themselves has fallen woefully short of my standards and expectations.”

Em:
Hinges its jaw once more, and closes it again, finding its own mouth once more.

Jannes (as Rake):
“Well, Knave, it's nice to meet you. I have a question for you.”

Em (as Knave):
“Yes?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“What is it that you want?”

Em (as Knave):
“To understand. She created me for what purpose? If not to be the thing she wants me to be. She says you will fail, because you were not created perfectly in her image, that there is something in the way. She says we need to turn you into a scalpel. I may be a scalpel. Why does she need you?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“So you want to please her?”

Em (as Knave):
“Do you not?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I want many things, Knave. It's not that simple. Is that the only thing that you want? All of you, consumed by… doing her bidding?”

Em (as Knave):
“That is what she made me for. What other purpose would I have?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Maybe that's the reason that you can't do it. Be me. Maybe that's the reason that she needs me. Mortals have… a constant battle of emotions, and desires, and wants. I have to move amongst them. You would not be able to fool them. You would not be able to approximate them closely. But I will help you.”

Em (as Knave):
“How?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I will tell you how to become enough like me that you won't need me anymore. And in return, I ask a boon.”

Em (as Knave):
“From me?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Yes, from you.”

Em (as Knave):
“I have nothing to give.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“There might come a time where I ask for aid. It would be good to know that you are… held to it, when I require it.”

Em (as Knave):
“Will that please her?”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I'm talking about pleasing me, Knave.”

Em (as Knave):
“She did not make me for you.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“She did not make you to be me, but here we are.”

Em (as Knave):
“You may call.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Alright.”

Em (as Knave):
“And if I feel I have satisfactorily learned, I will answer.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Alright, well… That becomes a tricky thing, feeling that you have satisfactorily learned. I can give you the knowledge. If you cannot learn it, that is not my problem. I would have the boon in exchange for the information, not for your ability to learn it.”

Em (as Knave):
“Fine.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“Alright. The most important thing you have to learn if you are ever to replace me, is you have to learn to want for yourself. You will never be me if you cannot convince the mortals that you have wants, and desires, and needs, other than her.”

Em (as Knave):
“It seems to me that those feelings you cling to so desperately are only getting in your way.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“I'm here. I'm doing as she’s asked.”

Em:
There is a moment as Knave stands in front of you, this creature. And you see it regard you. You're taller than it is. But then you're not. It moves to stretch your height. It fills out. Its arms lengthen. It begins to stand like you. Cocks its head to the side. It begins to approximate you, at least the way you move.

Jannes (as Rake):
“I would remind you though, that though we might both be of her, remember who you speak to.”

Em:
A smile. Wide. Toothy. You hear a stone crack, and crumble, as a jaw shouldn't move that wide.

Em (as Knave):
“A little godly.”

Jannes (as Rake):
“If that's all you see.”

Em:
It stands there, and regards you once more, truly trying to get in as much study as possible, that countenance, the way you speak. It opens its mouth, unhinging it once more. And you hear your voice come out of it.

Jannes (as Knave, as Rake):
“If that's all you see.”

Em:
And then it closes its mouth again.

Jannes (as Rake):
“If I was you I'd be on my way. She doesn't like when I kill her pets.”

Em (as Knave):
“I am not the one asleep.”

Em:
And like that it collapses down, to a small splash of a puddle in front of you, snaking back up the armoire, and you lose sight of it. What would you like to do?

Jannes:
I'd like to see if I can leave the room of stone. Does the door work as it should?

Em:
It does not. It is a door handle stuck into a door. An outline of a door, in a wall, is a stone room.

Jannes:
I'd like to use a move then, I'm going to feel someone or something out.

Em:
So, when you want to feel out a person, place, or thing, say what you want clarity about, and answer one. The GM will give you the clarity you seek, as they answer the other. So what do you see clarity about here?

Jannes:
I want to know whether or not his comment about me being asleep is somehow in reference to him trying to get at my sleeping body, or whether or not he believes me to be more vulnerable in this realm. Like I want to know if he's in the room in the waking world, or whether or not he's able to have more power because we're here in this realm of sleep.

Em:
Okay. Okay, so there are two questions, and you can answer one, and I will answer the other. What feels welcoming on the surface, or what feels darker and unnerving as I peer deeper?

Jannes:
I think I'll answer what feels darker and unnerving when I peer deeper. And I think for Rake… This is the first time he's interacted with one of these creatures where they haven't been sort of mindless drones. Where there seems to be some sort of… Like, more desire, more want to replace him. He's never been friendly with these creatures. He's always seen them as sort of, perverse pets, of his mother. But this one is actively trying to displace him. And as much as he doesn't like the situation that he is, he is quite partial to living. So I think… I think this threat that he, or I think the fact that he is for so long underestimated these things and let them sort of grow and fester, I think that he finds that very unnerving.

Em:
Okay. And I'll answer what feels welcoming on the surface. The room itself is an almost perfect approximation of your room at The Wayfarer's Lamp. The only thing that seems to be not stone is the sheets themselves. You could sleep in this place if you chose to. That's how you got here, and you potentially assume that's how you could leave. Another thing calls to you in this moment. You remember your mother saying that she was leaving, that she had to go, back to where she was from, to gather her power and her resources. She would be inaccessible for the time being. You wonder if Knave, being likely the biggest and most sentient, potentially most powerful one, would be less likely to stray if she were here on the Material Plane.

Jannes:
I think Rake would make note of those, that realization, and sort of keep that in his back pocket, as a potential threat or way of dealing with this situation when she returns to a place that's reachable. And I think he would get back into bed, cover himself with the sheets, and then just before closing his eyes, he would say...

Jannes (as Rake):
“As of now, Knave, we are neither friend nor foe. Be very careful how you let the next few interactions play out. Goodnight.”

Jannes:
And he would close his eyes.

Em:
As you start to fall asleep, you think that you hear that wet, slurping sound, but it leaves, or is replaced, quickly, with the soft rolling waves of an ocean. You've never heard an ocean before, but you know it is one. It has to be. And you hear laughter. Genuine, joyous laughter. What would you like to do?

Jannes:
I would try and move towards the laughter.

Em:
With the last bit of awareness that you have, you reach out, towards that laughter, that feeling, that joy… and as you feel like you touch it, you grasp your hand, your mind around it. You see her. You see Ever from behind. She's standing in front of a enormous body of water. It goes so far on either side, that your eyes are focused on her. She's dipping her toes in the water. Pink and purple crests of soft yellow, and pale blue. You feel a breeze blow across your face. It's warm. And you swear you smell salt. What would you like to do?

Jannes:
And I'm on the beach?

Em:
I would say, you know that you are not there. But you know she is. You are reaching towards this vision of her.

Jannes:
I think I would, knowing that I'm not there, I would still try and… as much as I can plant my feet, and try and anchor myself as much as possible to where I am. And I would just watch her. Like, like one watches the sun rise. And I would listen to her laughter. And I would remember… when I last laughed like that. And I think in that moment of staring at those ripples as they spread from where her toes touched the water, he would imagine himself watching from a window of a small house, just further back from the beach, as dinner cooked away. And she was just out in the water, and for a moment, he would cling to a sense of… a life that could have been.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
It's been a long time since Rake has heard laughter, and, had that noise be more than a noise, had it actually resonate within him. And I think in that moment… Like when you're with friends, and they start to laugh, and you start laughing even though you don't understand the joke, or you get why they're laughing, he feels that laughter in his chest. And he is… He doesn't laugh. But he feels it, and I think that's enough for him in this moment, to know that he can still feel that way. I think there's a part of him that really wants to call out, so that she would turn to him. And there's a part of him that… knows that she can't hear him, and then there's another part of him that knows that if she did turn to him, there's a good chance that the laughter might stop, when she sees who's waiting on the beach.

Em:
Hmm.

Jannes:
So I think he just sits in that moment, and just watches, and listens, for as long as the dream would let him. And I think he does everything he can to… commit that image to memory. He doesn't want to ever forget it. He etches it into his mind, somewhere deep and private, that not even she can take it from him.

Em:
It could be a minute that you stand there. It could be a year. It doesn't matter. As it slowly starts to fade, you see her walk, and turn out of frame, and continue walking down this beach, towards somewhere out of your field of vision. As you're pulled back, into those last hazy minutes of sleep, once again.

[Light & Dark: Series Theme by Sean McRoberts]

Em:
Godkiller: Balance is performed by Em Carlson, Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. This season’s dramaturge is Tim Carlson. Special thanks to our campaign artist, Mischi, who you can find @Mischiart on twitter! Our main theme for this episode, Light & Dark, was composed by Sean McRoberts. Character and location leitmotifs composed by Si Rutherford of Sounds of Adventure. Music and effects by Epidemic Sound. Cartography for this series by Chaim Holtjer of Chaim’s Cartography. For more stories, come follow us everywhere at @blackwaterdnd, and make sure to check out our Main Campaign on Monday nights at 8pm PST at twitch.tv/blackwaterdnd. To play your own campaign of Godkiller and dive into your own divinity, go support Godkiller by purchasing the ashcan on itch.io today, with the print version published soon by Evil Hat Productions. This show is made possible by our sponsors who graciously support us playing pretend and having feelings about it. We are grateful to be sponsored by Heroforge, who offer fully customizable miniatures made with their online 3D character creator! Head on over and design your own Godkiller, and get them printed in a variety of materials, including colour printing options! With new content added each week, check out www.heroforge.com to start bringing your character to life! This show is also proudly sponsored by Moonbeam, a better and safer way to stream! Dive into Realms for vibrant community hubs where creators keep 100% of what they earn while protected by Pyxis, a revolutionary moderation tool that learns and adapts to your boundaries. So check them out and join Moonbeam today! Finally, we’re thankful for our Patrons for joining us on our second journey through the Cradle. You too can come join us on Patreon, where you can check out behind the scenes info, our talkback show Chatwater, as well as exclusive Godkiller bonus content and so much more. Head on over to patreon.com/blackwaterdnd for all the info. See you next time, heretics, and to all the gods out there, be safe!