Godkiller: Balance - Interlude 5: Forgiving
Em:
Welcome to BlackwaterDnD, where good friends tell better stories. This series, Balance, is a miniseries using the Powered by the Apocalypse system, Godkiller, which was created by Connie Chang, now available on Itch.io for purchase, and is proudly sponsored by Hero Forge and Moonbeam. This tale takes us back, long before the end of the universe, to a time when we begin to explore & understand old divine wounds that run so very deep, and what happens when love is caught in the middle. This story encouraged us as creators to strive for genuine emotion and connection, relish the space we create at the table, and take big swings with the way we approached our narrative. For this story, your GOD, everyone else, and the thrum of the Cradle, is myself, Em Carlson, and my GODKILLERs are played by Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. As this game falls within a holypunk and dark fantasy genre, it may contain themes and depictions that are triggering for some listeners. Please take care of yourself and access safe support as you see fit.
Content warnings for this episode include: grief // complex relationship dynamics // concealment of identity // love & romance // memory loss
So sit back and relax, heretics. And welcome to Godkiller: Balance.
Interlude 5: Forgiving
Em:
When we started this, we wanted to tell the story of the end of the world, the end of the universe and everything in it. And we did that. We saw the sine of time crest as Inanis and Plenus Eutoches were reunited and killed the empty god. And we saw the Weave begin anew, the fabric of the multiverse woven in your hands, Inanis. And you wove it with the love you felt for Katani, and the hope and optimism that Plenus gave you. And even though you were the one who did the weaving, you did so to make them both proud.
When we last saw the two of them, Plenus and Inanis were living in the City of Glass, in a new iteration of the multiverse. The Cradle, built differently. Better. Because in this one, the River doesn't dry up. Because it was never supposed to. Where the gods didn't butcher each other for sport or power. Where you and your brother lived your lives as you wished, without the weight of fated and foretold divinity. So we find ourselves in that place. And something I love about this game is that it challenges and invites us to step out of the hierarchy of tabletop gaming, because this game is a conversation. So we'll be doing that even further here. I am no longer playing all gods. Just one. And we'll be both sharing in the world of the Cradle, and the part these two divine beings play in it. So let's talk about that. Let's figure out where they landed. I'm wondering if you can describe for me, Inanis, now, in this universe, what is the same, what is different? How has he changed?
Jannes:
I think if you didn't know Inanis very well, you might not be able to spot the differences at first. Physically he appears very similar. He wears his beard in the same way, maybe a little bit more cared for, a little less wild. He still wears his hair up. He still has the little cat skull that dangles in the leather band that holds the bun. But if you knew him in the previous iteration, I think you would see that the main change is around his eyes. Where, when we met him originally the eyes were hard, and spoke of an inflexibility that characterized him ‘til the end. And now you see wrinkles in the corners, speaking of all the laughter and joy that this new version gets to partake in. I think you see an openness and approachable nature to his face that the previous iteration was lacking. Physically the same, but also so different.
Em:
Mmhmm. And think she'd see that. She would see that, and once she got her memories back she would have been able to clock the difference, and I think that there is a simple joy that she holds now every time she looks at him. Every time he meets her eyes, and instead of that hard set in his jaw, it's a smile that hits his eyes as well. There's a trueness and a genuineness that she hoped for, but she never truly saw. And now she gets to see it every day. And I think that's part of the thing that has changed most about Katani. She has always carried a peace to her. A calm, a patience. You can't just be called the Patient Witness and not embody that. But, if before the peace was neutrality, the peace is now comfort and happiness, and knowing that with everything she does, with her role in the cosmos, her domain as a god, that she has him to come home to. I think she looks mostly the same. The glamour changes, of course. She can't stay the same forever. She has to age. And once that is at a reasonable point that she could no longer keep up the guise, the glamour changes again, and a new young priestess is embodied. But with him, those laugh lines have crept in too, especially on the side of her face that is scarred. She was never ashamed of that. But she is less self-conscious of it, I think. So, tell me about what happened next. Tell me about how that night dancing went.
Jannes:
I think for him there was always a spark. A flickering flame that he held so close and protected, through everything that happened, and the night after he had done everything he'd set out to do, everything that was asked of him… That was the night that he allowed himself to truly just be a person. To feel and to hope.
Em:
Hmm.
Jannes:
And I think it probably started quite stunted and almost awkward.
Em:
Well, it would have. Because he knew her and she didn't know him.
Jannes:
But he wasn't the same as when he had originally met her.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
He carried so much more loss and hardship.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
And I think for him it was like trying to remember a dance that he had forgotten half the steps to.
Em:
Hmm.
Jannes:
And as the night moved on, he let her lead, and I think there was something that made this version even better than the first, because he didn't have to be the one who pursued. He could be awkward and off balance, and she still wanted to be around him. She still wanted to dance with him. And I think that that night was the beginning of the healing to his soul that has been happening since the end, and the beginning.
Em:
I think in that, there would have been a moment where, like in all awkward, uncomfortable first dates, that for a majority wasn't uncomfortable, it was so fun and probably much different a night than she had envisioned with this stranger who had told her that she was coming dancing with him later. And she's standing on the steps of Temple Lybica. It's probably really late, like one or two in the morning. Well past the time she would have normally been home and you can see a… She's torn, I think. She knows she's missed midnight prayers, and that is unusual for her. But I think she looks to you, and she reaches for your hand to take it, putting in between both of hers.
Em (as Katani):
“Well, that was entirely unexpected. And I... I know that I put up quite the fuss this afternoon about going out dancing, with good reason. But… Inanis, I would very much like to go dancing again.”
Jannes:
I think he would smile, enjoying the feeling of the warmth of her hands on his.
Em:
Warmer than you remember.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I would really like that as well.”
Em (as Katani):
“Okay.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I mean, if your goddess allows.”
Em (as Katani):
“Well, I think the enjoyment and our happiness of her priestesses are at a paramount. And from my understanding, it's much different from, you know, ages gone past where nobody left the temple. We go out now. We do things in the city. And if one of those things is dancing with you, and that would make me very happy and… I don't think there would be any resistance to that. I don't think she would take any issue at all. She'd probably be happy for me.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“And how would she feel about a kiss?”
Em:
Oh, she blushes.
Em (as Katani):
“Um… Well, you should probably try and then we can figure that out.”
Jannes:
I think he would pull his hand back from hers, while maintaining a firm grip on the hand, pulling her closer. And with a grace and a fluidity to his movement, he would turn and plant a kiss on her temple.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Well… We don't want to push our luck with the goddess too much on the first night.”
Em (as Katani):
“No, no, you're right. You're right.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I've heard she can be a little... Catty.”
Em (as Katani):
“Funny. Like I've never heard that before.”
Em:
And she turns her face into yours and her lips are probably an inch from your ear. The feeling between the two of you is electric. And, perhaps that's because you now carry divinity as well. Perhaps that's because you're now also a god.
Jannes:
And I think in that moment, where they're so close, and the feeling of static between them is so high, he makes eye contact with her, and for a moment, lets her see his divinity.
Em:
I think I should have her roll to recognize a god?
Jannes:
I think the way that he does it, it's to leave no doubt.
Em:
Mm.
Jannes:
He doesn't, he wants her to know - he doesn't want her to have to check. He wants it to be irrefutable.
Em:
What does that look like? How do you show her that?
Jannes:
I think as she looks into his eyes, he gives her glimpses of the past that he remembers with her. Just a flash. And then he winks. He says,
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Make sure you send my best to your goddess.”
Em:
She's speechless. I think the second she sees that you see her eyes go wide. There is both the thrill of knowing the question of who are you, the uncertainty of memories that you have that you're showing her, that she can tell are memories and not illusion, but that she has no recall, no recollection of. And I think there's also a worry of being caught. You see a flash of fear, not enough to make her leave or try to remove herself from the situation, but you've called her out, and… She's not scared of that, I think. She fumbles for her words.
Em (as Katani):
“Dancing… Dancing. And-”
Jannes:
“For now.”
Em (as Katani):
“Alright. I, I have questions.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I know.”
Em (as Katani):
“Alright. Goodnight, Inanis.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Goodnight.”
Em:
Oh, she lingers. And I don't think her eyes leave you as she slips back inside the temple. And, on the other side of the door, I think she waits until she hears you walk away, and peeks out after you as you walk away from Temple Lybica. Hmm.
How long after that did you give her her memories back?
Jannes:
I think it was quite a while before he… Before he decided to give her her memories back. I think he used the fact that he was scared of how she would react as the reason for himself for so long that, that he believed in himself. But I think the real reason that he didn't want to give them back was because it spoke of a ruthlessness and disregard that he had had, that was so opposite of how he was now.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
But I think eventually, as he got better, and his soul started to heal, and he went from wanting a better life to feeling like he deserved a better life, he decided to give them back. I think it would have been a couple years after that.
Em:
Really?
Jannes:
It would have taken him a while. I think they might have, maybe not yet been living together, but I feel like things moved slowly for them. The concept of time being sort of irrelevant. Even though I think she didn't immediately pull back because of his divinity. I think it still gave her pause in how quickly she opened up to him. And I think he took quite a long time before he trusted himself enough to let things go to a place where he might hurt her again. And, I think it was probably one night at his place, after a dinner that he'd prepared. Dishes dirty on the table.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
Couple empty glasses of wine.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“You know I… I care for you deeply, Katani.”
Em:
She put our wine glass down on the table. Having kept pace with you.
Em (as Katani):
“I care for you very much. So much. I've, I've been thinking for a long time about how you and I fit into my life, and, if it was a case where we felt that it would be better if I didn't live at the temple, I think I’d like that. Faith doesn't have to exist inside a specific set of walls. I have my role and my duties, of course, but I have a life, and I want you in it. For as long as you'll have me.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“You never asked about the things I showed you that first night.”
Em (as Katani):
“I wanted to. Of course I wanted to. I have a list of questions as long as the scriptures that I have to remember. But, I can be patient. I figured it was… It was best to leave you do that your own time. I would never rush you.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I never question your patience. I… I do worry if you'll forgive me.”
Em:
If she was sitting across the table from you, she moves chairs immediately to sit next to you. I, no, I don't even think she sits. I think she kneels in front of you. Like immediately moving to your side. Very concerned look on her face.
Em (as Katani):
“Forgive you for what? Inanis, what is it? You can tell me anything.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Do you know of the prophecy?”
Em (as Katani):
“The Godkiller prophecy?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Yes.”
Em (as Katani):
“Yes, they have us learn about it, in our teachings. But, when the Eutoches feel that it is time or know within their teachings that it is time to end the universe, then it will be the right time. When the twin-souled priest is reunited it will be a gift to the Cradle.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It is not like that in all iterations.”
Em (as Katani):
“All the iterations of what?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I don't know why it is not more common knowledge amongst the gods. And I fear that sharing it with you could alter the Weave itself.”
Em (as Katani):
“Inanis, these are very big conversations about altering the Weave. I'm... I am not sure how having this knowledge would change that. And I am not forcing you to tell me. Truly. It doesn't matter.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“When the twin-souled priest ends the universe, it does not end. It is simply reborn.”
Em:
You watch her process what you're saying. And you being divine, you being you, and you knowing exactly who she is, you see the two separate cogs that are turning in her head, the one where she is... Nepthysaket, the goddess of the moment between life and death. The one in which you're telling a goddess something that she should have known, more so than you did. And you see her try and move into some justification engine where she is just Katani, a priestess who is so deeply in love with you. And to not let those two things touch. I think you've clocked that through so much of your relationship, that there are two parts to her that she is desperately trying to keep separate. To protect you from that, I think. And to protect herself. Especially since you know what her downfall is. You're it. Her downfall is that she can only be killed by a broken heart. And, she's already led herself like a lamb to slaughter… And did so willingly. And would do it again.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I ended my universe. I was the Godkiller from the iteration before this.”
Em (as Katani):
“You are Eutoches?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I was one half of the twin-souled priest. And when I did…”
Em (as Katani):
“Your, your brother?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“My brother.”
Em (as Katani):
“Plenus?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Yes.”
Em (as Katani):
“He... But you both are here?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“We... When I ended it, I re-wove the fabric of reality. Started it again.”
Em (as Katani):
“That's what I saw.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“You saw us before.”
Em (as Katani):
“Us? You and I?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Yes. We've been dancing before. It's how I knew who you were. And, at the end of my journey, I had to make a choice. I thought I would die. I did not think there was a way for me to survive. And the prophecies, they got twisted, and we did not know what would happen.”
Em (as Katani):
“It was different than now?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Oh, so different. It was awful. I’ve wasted a lot of my time cursing whoever wove the previous iteration.”
Em:
She reaches a hand up and kind of moves closer to you, kind of cradling your face in her hand.
Jannes:
I think he would draw back.
Em:
The second you did she would remove her hand.
Em (as Katani):
“I'm sorry.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“No, this… When I knew that I might not return from fulfilling my role, I knew that if I didn't, that you would be gone.”
Em (as Katani):
“In the end of all things you were worried about losing me? Inanis…”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It drove me to do… The only way I could think to protect you, was to make you forget.”
Em (as Katani):
“How? Because if you… are who I think you might be… a god? Then you know who I am. Then you’ve known the whole time.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I have.”
Em (as Katani):
“I wanted to tell you.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I know.”
Em (as Katani):
“I was scared.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It's alright, it was never why I loved you. I made you forget… Me.”
Em (as Katani):
“How?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I think the how is irrelevant. It was not a power I possessed, but an opportunity I took, in the moment, believing it would save you. And then I found that I had the ability to reweave everything. I could give you those memories. But I will only do it if, if it's what you want.”
Em (as Katani):
“The reason I ask how, is because I assume that for me to have lost them I would have also had to participate in giving them up. You cannot just take something from a god.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“No. I asked you to.”
Em (as Katani):
“And I did it.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“And you did it.”
Em (as Katani):
“Because I love you. If I did then, and I do now. If there has been a reason, a shame, a… Something you don't want me to see in that. I don't have the power to get them back. I am assuming that's something you do.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It is. But it is… It is a shadow of me that you would remember. I was not the same. Similar. But not the man I am now. But they are your memories, and you deserve to have them if you want them.”
Em (as Katani):
“Are you worried that it will change what we have now? That I will leave or be angry or not love you the same?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I don't fear that you wouldn't love me. You love me enough to give them away. I fear… I fear you will know who I was before, how I was before. Someone who would ask you to give those memories up. That iteration of the universe was awful. The gods were dying. The River was drying up. It was terrible. But, it is no longer.”
Em (as Katani):
“No, it's this one. Where we are happy and safe. The man you were then has contributed to the man who sits before me now. There is no this version of you without that one. I am assuming that I was also different in the previous version. Probably more guarded. Less likely to say yes to go dancing.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Actually, you were pretty much just as willing for that.”
Em (as Katani):
“I do like to dance… I don't want you to carry any shame. Guilt is a useful emotion sometimes. Guilt is probably what drove you to tell me. You wanted the secret out. You’ve been carrying it for... years, I assume. I don't know. But shame says that you are a bad person for what you did. And if I agreed to let you take my memories from me, then I also must have believed that it was the right thing to do. But, if you give them back to me and you are going to constantly worry if someday I'll think of you different. Look at you different. Feel different because of the man you were then. Then you should not give them back to me. Whatever happens between us, I don't want us to go forward with you worrying all the time about that. You giving these memories back to me would be a gift. A gift that I may know you, truly know you, and understand you, even the parts you would rather hide away and forget about. I am assuming there is so much I didn't show you then also.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Our conversation of how I… The realization of who you were did not come from you.”
Em (as Katani):
“Did we talk about it?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“You tried.”
Em (as Katani):
“That sounds like me.”
Jannes:
I would reach forward and I would place my middle finger on her temple, and my eyes would glow. Glow is maybe not the right word. It would be as if… Darkness glowed. It would be the way that a black hole is ringed by light. His eyes would look like endless pits ringed by golden light.
Em:
Same gold as hers.
Jannes:
As he returned her memories.
Em:
You’re a god. That's just something you can do. And I think, with your power being that of erasure, I think you remove the barrier. You erase the barrier. And I think you watch as her eyes widen, and the only reason she's able to comprehend this is because she is a divine being. This would kill a mortal. And if memory serves me, it almost did. She's silent, for a long time, I think. But she doesn't move from you. She doesn't retreat or withdraw. It's like she's chronologically moving her way through the memories of what's happened. You feel tears falling down her face as she looks up at you.
Em (as Katani):
“Inanis… Come here.”
Jannes:
And I think he would just sort of collapse into her.
Em:
She would cry really hard. She doesn't let you go as she integrates her love for you across universes, that is woven into the fabric of how this universe was created. There is no universe in which she would not be yours. And as she slowly pulls back from you, you see that the glamour is off. Two small black-furred cat ears set in her wild, raven black hair. She removes the mask from her face. And you truly regard her as Nepthysaket for the first time. She's shown you all of it. Hidden nothing.
Em (as Nepthysaket/Katani):
“This is who I am. I am a goddess. I am very proud of what I do in my work. For a long time it was everything to me. It was the only thing that gave me purpose. And now there is you, and I see it my purpose to walk alongside you, and help you understand your divinity, and be a witness for you, and love you, for as long as you’ll have me.”
Jannes:
How long do you think after that night, or when do you think, after that night, Katani, Nepthysaket, asks Inanis what his domain is?
Em:
Oh, that's a good question. She'd have a thousand questions, but not want to overwhelm him with them. I think there would be a day, maybe a couple weeks, maybe a month or two, or three, down the road, where she asks him to show her what he can do. Because it is one thing to tell someone what you can do, but it is another to show. And the powers of gods are so broad. But their domains being so specialized, that no other divine being in the pantheon could touch it. I think she bides her time, but I don't think she waits that long. What does it look like the first time he shows her what he can do?
Jannes:
I think she knows that in the mornings when she leaves the apartment that they share, that he works as a carpenter.
Em:
Doing his tinkering, and inventing in his spare time.
Jannes:
I think it's more traditional than that. I think he makes furniture, very utilitarian things, chairs, tables. And I think you know that that's where he goes when she goes to work, and I think when she eventually asks to see what he does, he invites her to come one day to the carpentry shop.
Em:
She would go.
Jannes:
She would see him arrive, put on his apron. She knows that his mother used to weave baskets. She was a craftswoman. She made things that people used. She made things that were useful. She would see him put on his apron, and take his spot at his workbench. And not long after he gets in, she would see a young man come in, in his late twenties. Take a spot at the bench beside him, and start to work with him, and learn from him.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Reynald, have you met my partner, Katani?”
Jannes (as Reynald):
“No, I haven't. Hi, my name is Reynald. Um, it's pleasure to meet you.”
Em (as Katani):
“Wonderful to meet you, Reynald. Are you an apprentice?”
Jannes (as Reynald):
“I am, I've been working with Inanis for the last, um, six months learning and… Learning a new trade.”
Em (as Katani):
“That's wonderful. I remember when I was a priestess in training.”
Jannes (as Reynald):
“Oh, you're a priestess?”
Em:
She would point at the horns.
Jannes (as Reynald):
“Oh, yes, of course.”
Em (as Katani):
“It's alright, it's alright.”
Jannes (as Reynald):
“I’m sorry, I…”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Reynald came to me six months ago, and he's been working with me ever since. He's very, very good, good learner. He's been doing very well.”
Jannes (as Reynald):
“Thank you. I'm just very fortunate, lucky to have the opportunity. Um, I had some problems before, and, um, I was finding it difficult to find gainful employment, um...”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It's all right.”
Jannes:
And you would watch the two of them work. And some time would go by and Inanis would tell Reynald that they were gonna go grab some lunch, and as they walked from the shop,
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Reynald has a bit of a unfortunate past. He ran afoul of the law, and did some things that he regretted. You asked about my domain?”
Em (as Katani):
“Yes.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Well, it's still, after all this time, feels weird, feels strange to say, but… I am the God of Second Chances. I'll do my best to erase people's pasts. Give them the opportunity to start again, as I was given the opportunity.”
Em (as Katani):
“I like that very much.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I do it in person in the shop because it makes me feel connected to those I help.”
Em (as Katani):
“I can understand that.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“But, I also help all those who look for second chances.”
Em (as Katani):
“Well, you will be kept very busy.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It is… Not a courtesy that was offered, in my iteration.”
Em (as Katani):
“There are many lessons that I have learned in my time as a goddess, because like you, I was mortal once. It was a very long time ago. But one of the biggest, most important lessons that I carry with me, is one of atonement. And I don't say that with negative connotation to it, I say it as a responsibility to do better. Be more. To strive to continue to improve yourselves and the lives of others. It does not surprise me that you do this in your shop. Why do you think I still am walking through the temple as a priestess? I cannot help myself. I love midday prayers. It's just an especially nice bonus that they are coming to me. Before we go to lunch, can I show you something?”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Of course.”
Em:
You would be walking down the streets of Glass, and she would kind of look around and pull you into a darkened alley. Walk enough into it so that the sun would not catch, and any eyes that looked down would not see. She kind of backs you against a wall, and leans into you as if to kiss you. And as her lips touch yours, you feel a rush. A slight chill, standing in contrast to the warmth of her. You feel the ground move beneath you, and a split second later, as she pulls back, you are somewhere else entirely. But you've been here before. You’re in the River. Except this time she gets to show you. She lets you kind of look around, gauge your surroundings, and you see on her face a joy and a proudness. A pride in her work.
Em (as Katani):
“I think here is also a place of second chances, because even though these souls here no longer inhabit the bodies they used to, they get their second chance to feel and hope and love. Exist. Build something for themselves that they may never have been able to in life. And that is what feeds the magic of the universe, Inanis. A second chance.”
Em:
Do they marry?
Jannes:
I don't know. I don't know… I guess… I, Jannes, don't know… What, if marriage is something that carries that much weight with gods.
Em:
Hmm. Would it carry weight with them? As Inanis and Katani? Whether divine or otherwise.
Jannes:
I almost don't think that they do. I think that for them it's… Their love is so complete, and so mirrored by both sides. Then the sharing of who they are and the sharing of what they really are is far more intimate than any ceremony could replicate.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
So no, I don't think that they do, in a,
Em:
Traditional sense.
Jannes:
Traditional sense. It's almost an unspoken thing.
Em:
Mmhmm. I agree. Any promises that would have been made in that ceremony are things that are so woven into the fabric of their relationship. She continues to work at the temple. I think she complains often about having to exactly maintain the same glamour and get the aging correctly.
Jannes:
For the record, Inanis does not change. He does not adjust. And I don't know if… I don't know if Katani or Nepthysaket ever question whether his appearance is a glamour.
Em:
I don't think she does either. Is it? And this is me as Em asking.
Jannes:
We'll have to wait and see.
Em:
So he works in the shop, taking on apprentices, making furniture. Is there anything else he does with his time, whether within a mortal life or within a divine capacity?
Jannes:
I think his… In terms of his divine capacity, I think he is able to almost be in two places at once. I think he is everywhere that people who pray to the God of Second Chances, or not to a god named, but pray for a second chance. He is everywhere that he needs to be in that respect. And I don't think his interactions with people when they earnestly yearn for a second chance are always in person. I think he moves in gentle nudges and adjustments. I think there are probably rare cases that he chooses to appear in person, but for the most part he hears and senses all calls from people who don't just ask for a second chance when things are bad, but truly, truly want one.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
As far as mortal life goes, I think even with his now very peaceful nature, I think he still trains regularly to keep up his martial prowess. He… He knows what he wove this pattern into. But he doesn't, now that he's stepped out of that position and stepped into existing into it, he doesn't really know how it's going to weave itself from here on out.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
And so I think there's always a part of him that feels like he needs to be ready, if the gods do decide to start killing each other again.
Em:
Mm.
Jannes:
He also spends a lot of time with Plenus. Less so after his relationship moves on with Katani. But… I think they see each other regularly.
Em:
Mmhmm. I'm imagining dinner parties with Plenus and Nelle.
Jannes:
I think the thing that's interesting about their relationship is, even now, they are so opposite that they don't share a lot of interests or things in common in terms of how they do things. They're bonded by love and a familial bond, but I don't… They wouldn't be friends, I think, if they weren't brothers.
Em:
Hmm.
Jannes:
I just don't think they share enough in common. They were always meant to be the other half to one another. And it doesn't lessen the love for one another or the bond. They are close despite the fact that they are not very similar. And I think they still argue, and passionately.
Em:
I was just going to say that. I think there would be a shared look often between Katani and Nelle, if the two of you got on a topic that we all knew was a contentious one, and a general excusing of, we're going to go do the dishes.
Jannes:
I think, yeah, I think he probably gets along better with Nelle, on a sort of like, interpersonal way than he does with Plenus.
Em:
Mmhmm. That makes sense.
Jannes:
I think him and Nelle are more similar. But yeah, I think that's what he fills his days with. Simple things. I think after everything that he went through, happiness and simplicity are sort of the cornerstones that he's built his life on.
Em:
I think they go dancing a lot. I think they go dancing to celebrate. I think they go dancing to commiserate. And I think when there are moments like there are in any relationship where they feel like they are drifting far from each other, I think either one of them would extend a hand to the other one, and it would be as simple as Inanis saying, ‘Go put on something that's suitable for dancing.’ I think they dance a lot.
Nepthysaket maintains strong relationships with Soevan and Thielia. Other gods in the pantheon that she would have formed bonds with over the millennia. Are there any gods that Inanis connects to?
Jannes:
I don't think there are, I think Nepthysaket would have realized part way after, like a while after he revealed his domain, that she was unaware of there being a god of that domain.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
And I think it is unusual for gods not to be aware of one another.
Em:
Yes. She would have been aware of his divinity, and I think the gods would have been able to clock the divinity, but not necessarily be omnipotent about Inanis's domain.
Jannes:
Yeah, I think even though, even with that though, I think… I think she could probably clock it partially because of the closeness of their relationship. But I think he would have very much carefully woven everything so that he could remain sort of anonymous and remain unseen. He was very eager to not be too involved with the gods in their business directly. But I think that there is one god that he is familiar with. And I think it's, I think he even doesn't really talk to Nepthysaket about it. I think if she was to ask, he would tell her, but I don't think it's ever even come up. But he sees them once in a while, and some days when the shop is quiet, there's not anything to be specifically worked on, I think Tayo will stop by for tea.
Em:
Hmm.
Jannes:
And they will spend some time together.
Em:
That makes a lot of sense.
Jannes:
I think that a secret that probably Tayo keeps is that at the birth, at the beginning, he's maybe not always alone.
Em:
Mmhmm.
Jannes:
And so I think they are old friends.
Em:
I think so too. Knowing what we know about Tayo and how they exist in the world, I think there may have been a day or two where Katani would have dropped by the shop at the end of the day, or on her rounds between calls.
Jannes:
She's met them for sure, but I don't know if she knows who they are.
Em:
Yeah, and they would have… Yeah. She would have clocked that there was something about this relationship, something about this person who keeps coming by the shop for tea. I also don't think it would be unprecedented for her to have seen the two of them working on something together. Creating. And she would have clocked any divinity or magical essence as coming from you, and likely not sought to question further.
Jannes:
Just the kindly old person who lives down the road.
Em:
Yeah. I like that a lot. Who brings a very specific teapot, and the same set of cups every time. And think you're right, I think there are things that they keep from one another. Because everyone has allowed their secrets. But it's not a lot.
Jannes:
I say there's not much that Katani and Inanis keep from one another. I think there are things that Nepthysaket and the godly form of Inanis keep from one another.
Em:
Mmhmm. Sometimes trying so hard not to have those two things cross. I think there's one day where we see those two parts of Nepthysaket. Her as a goddess and her as Katani, collide. She comes home one day. After a day at the temple, it's very clear that it's been a very hard day. And this is a hard day in a series of hard days. You've noticed for the last week or so that she's usually able to shake off whatever had been happening in her work, but not today. She comes home and she closes the door behind her, and just leans against the door letting out such a ragged sigh. And you'd hear her slowly start to move, taking off her whatever cloak she was wearing, and her things. She'd be very quiet.
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Are you alright?”
Em (as Katani):
“Um… Yes and no. I carry so many lives. That does not weigh on me. Usually the work of being present with someone as they're dying is a balm to the hurt in the world for me. There is a young man. He can't be older than twenty. He is in the temple now, in isolation. He started to get sick. It's wasting sickness. I can’t cure it. He asked me point blank if I knew what it was, and I couldn't lie to him. I told him it was wasting sickness. I offered to get him passage to healers and someone who may have made movement on slowing the process of the disease. I offered draughts from the apothecaries locally to ease pain, and calm some of the symptoms. But, Inanis, he looked me in the eye and he asked me to kill him. He said, ‘Please, do this before I waste away.’ And I couldn't. I cannot.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“I'm sorry.”
Em (as Katani):
“I am, too.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“That's impossibly hard.”
Em (as Katani):
“He doesn't deserve it. It's a terrible disease.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“It is awful. But he is fortunate, for when he goes he will have someone who cares for his soul to ferry it. You are not there to prevent death.”
Em (as Katani):
“No. Death is just an ending of a chapter.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“All things end. I know this better than most.”
Em (as Katani):
“Yes, you would. It's not my role. Not my power. My power is transference. Movement.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Even if it was, everything ends eventually, if not now, then in a couple years, a couple months, we have no control over that.”
Em (as Katani):
“He will die when he is supposed to die. When it is his time, and I will be there. As I am for all the people of the Cradle. I cannot waver. I cannot show fear. Not about that. I know that...”
Em:
You can see her pause. Hesitate. That same pause and hesitation that you had before you told her who you were and about her memories.
Em (as Katani):
“There is… There is something I have to tell you. I know we don't often talk about our work. But, it weighs on me, Katani, and me, Nepthysaket. There is only one thing I've ever truly hidden from you. And it's because I'm ashamed. When you gave me my memories back, this one came rushing through and… It was the only one, perhaps, I wish I didn't get back. I have to hold this memory as a vestige to keep myself true to my domain and my work. But I cannot hold it in myself any longer. I ferry the souls of those who have died. And I have held steadfast in that it is not within my purview to take life, just to ferry it. But I need to tell you about the only time I've ever killed someone.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Alright.”
Em (as Katani):
“If you're willing to listen.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Of course. Know that nothing you tell me will ever take away from how I see you.”
Em (as Katani):
“I hold fault in myself, because I should have been more careful. I was scared. I was angry. I was trying to protect someone, and they took my power, and they killed someone with it. And I can't reconcile that. Someone who didn't deserve to die. He deserved to live. A long and beautiful life, with someone who made him truly happy. A kind of happiness that I feel blessed myself enough to know. And it was through my power that that was taken from him.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“My dear, it is alright. You have the memories from the iteration before, but that was not you. Those are not your circumstances. That was a different world. A different reality. You were different. We all were.”
Em (as Katani):
“I was trying to protect him, and I failed.”
Jannes (as Inanis):
“We all make mistakes. We all fall. But you continue. That's what matters.”
Em (as Katani):
“And I try more. I try harder, to be better than that last version.”
Jannes:
I think you would see Inanis step back, and you would see him drop his glamour. And what you would see is the silhouette of him. That same darkness with gold around the edges, but his entire form, now playing a weird sort of trick of perspective, where his size relative to you hasn't changed. But now it's as if you are viewing someone massive from very far away. And in the blackness that is his silhouette, you'd see a pinprick of light, like that that you would find at the end of a tunnel. And he would say to you,
Jannes (as Inanis):
“Would you like a second chance?”
Em (as Katani):
“Yes, please.”
Jannes:
And his hand would reach forward and he would place his thumb on your forehead right between your eyes. And think he would show you every instance that you've done better because of the mistake that you made. He would show you the good that that mistake brought. And he doesn't take the memory from you, but like a callus forming over a blister, allowing you to do your work better, he starts the process of healing that wound.
Em:
And I think that’s where we end it.
[Something & Nothing: Inanis’ Theme by Sean McRoberts]
Em:
Godkiller: Balance is performed by Em Carlson, Gina Susanna & Jannes Wessels. In this episode, Katani/Nepthysaket is played by Em Carlson & Inanis Andrade is played by Jannes Wessels. For more of these characters, go listen to our first series, Oblivion, which you can find on your favourite podcast app. This season’s dramaturge is Tim Carlson. Special thanks to our campaign artist, Mischi, who you can find @Mischiart on twitter! Our main theme for this episode, Light & Dark, was composed by Sean McRoberts. Music and effects by Epidemic Sound. For more stories, come follow us everywhere at @blackwaterdnd, and make sure to check out our Main Campaign on Monday nights at 8pm PST at twitch.tv/blackwaterdnd. To play your own campaign of Godkiller and dive into your own divinity, go support Godkiller by purchasing the ashcan on itch.io today, with the print version published soon by Evil Hat Productions. This show is made possible by our sponsors who graciously support us playing pretend and having feelings about it. We are grateful to be sponsored by Heroforge, who offer fully customizable miniatures made with their online 3D character creator! Head on over and design your own Godkiller, and get them printed in a variety of materials, including colour printing options! With new content added each week, check out www.heroforge.com to start bringing your character to life! This show is also proudly sponsored by Moonbeam, a better and safer way to stream! Dive into Realms for vibrant community hubs where creators keep 100% of what they earn while protected by Pyxis, a revolutionary moderation tool that learns and adapts to your boundaries. So check them out and join Moonbeam today! Finally, we’re thankful for our Patrons for joining us on our second journey through the Cradle. You too can come join us on Patreon, where you can check out behind the scenes info, our talkback show Chatwater, as well as exclusive Godkiller bonus content and so much more. Head on over to patreon.com/blackwaterdnd for all the info. See you next time, heretics, and to all the gods out there, be safe!
